Some times in your marriage, you may wonder about how to reconnect with your spouse both physically and emotionally for things to get in place again.
Connection in any relationship is that wonderful thing that binds you and your partner as couples; this shows the extent of the intimacy both of you is able to sustain after you have passed the early stage of your relationship.
Perhaps now, you have realized how the day to day activities of life, filled with stress, chores, work and taking care of your kids have created a great vacuum between you and your spouse, and have made you to focus on the negative side of your marriage, instead of the things that brought you together as husband and wife in the very first place.
Now understand that the disconnections I am taking about do not mean that both of you don’t love each other as before, no the love is still there, however you have seen how it is almost impossible for the two of you to express your love.
Maybe, by the time you are through with the work which takes you out in the morning and brings you back late in the evening, coupled with the getting the groceries from the store, getting the children back from school and getting dinner ready for the family, then you have little or no time to kiss, hug, and even have conversation as partners becomes a forgotten issue.
You know exactly what am talking about. : )
But you are not alone: everybody is guilty of this; even the happiest couple has in one time or the other fallen for this.
Meanwhile, if you have not witnessed it in your own marriage, then may I congratulate you, because you are just having your honey moon.
Maybe your marriage is just two months old.
I said this because I know it is inevitable in any relationship.Though different couple experience it in different ways; but no matter how you experience it, the fact is it is not the end of the road.
Just understand that you have the power to restore hope and confidence in your relationship.
We can change whatever we are not comfortable with if we want to.
In this article, you are going to learn how you can effortlessly reconnect with your spouse and make you marriage stronger than it was before.
But firstly, let us look at those things that can make couple to be disconnected in the first place,t he ways disconnections can manifest in marriage and then how you can reconnect with your spouse again.
One of the famous marriage research john guttman and the wife Julie guttman for 25 years now have conducted a study in their “love lab”, using some married couples, which were placed in an apartment and where closely monitored using video and questionnaire.
The reason for this research was to learn more about how couples thrive in their marriage, and more especially to understand the reasons that could make partners feel distance from each Other.
From the research, four things were identified to be the reason why couple will feel disconnected in their relationship.
Here they are!
– Criticizing your partner:
– Being defensive:
– Act of stonewalling:
When these become so much in a relationship, there is no doubt there will be clear manifestations of..
- Avoidance attitude:
when there is a shutdown or detachment between couples, they start avoiding being close with each other, and avoidance works opposite to the goal of marriage; because it make couple to give up their strength for developing their marriage.
Most of the avoidance attitude starts from the unsettled disputes or aggressions in the marriage.
- Interrupting:.Couples stop being a good listener, now they are ready to interrupt the other even at the middle of conversation. As we know, the ability to listen to your partner is one of the main habits possessed by the happy couples.
- Secret keeping: Disconnection brings distrust between couples, and when there is distrust, couples resolve to keeping secrets. Trust is one of the main traits of keeping a successful marriage. No marriage can thrive without that, and keeping secret make things worse.
- Nagging: One attitude that is pure detrimental to marriage is nagging. Nobody wants to be nagged, but when there is a detachment among couples, there will be disagreement, and communication will not flow the way it used to be.
Couple then starts nagging each other, because they believed nagging is just that better way to be understood.
- Lookout for problems: Disconnection makes couple to always be on the lookout on how to blame the other. Relationship thrives more when every couple become positive of the marriage; but when blames and problem seeking overshadows trust, then marriage starts crumbling down.
- Threatening:I have seen marriages were spouse threaten themselves at will. It’s either the wife is threatening to leave the marriage, or the man is threatening to leave the house and everything for the wife, just because of little quarrel.
The worst thing you could do in your life is to use your own tongue to destroy your marriage.
Remember what the word of God said about tongue. If you really know about the power of what you say with your mouth, you will be careful about what comes out of your mouth.
I will advise you to say only those things you want to see; and forget about any type of threat.
- Telling lies:Another way disconnection in relation manifest is through lies. Couples resolve to telling lies to each other, simply because they are now taking each other for granted. One thing about lie is that once your spouse notice that you have been telling lies; he /she will never trust your words again.
- Resentfulness:This is another way disconnection manifests in marriage; resentment undermines the quality which marriage should be instituted and which entails loyalty, trust, and love.
The bible said something about putting away every malicious bitterness. in the book of Ephesians 4:31.
When you harbor resentment, it will hurt your marriage, because it will make other things to stop working efficiently.
If you see any of these behaviors in your life, then you have to make up your mind to start reconnecting with your spouse, before things go out of hand.
One of the effective ways to reconnect with your spouse again is to learn how to be in charge of all your actions. It doesn’t matter if your partner is adamant about the whole issue, just go ahead and start.
Here are few tips to guide you
How you effortlessly reconnect with your spouse and improve your marriage fast. Tweet this
1) Redeem yourselves from the effect of time:
One reason almost all the couples want to give for disconnection is time.
When the day to day activities have taken all the time meant for the partners to stay together and enjoy their relationship.
But you can redeem yourself from the whole effects of time as I am going to show you in a minute.
To redeem yourself from the grip of time simply means to invest your time properly in other to get the best from it.
Tell me: How would you feel if you can.
– You can have more quality time with your spouse and children.
– To make your schedules and follow it and not others.
– To have the things that are more important be done without being trifled.
– Free yourself from clock.
You will like it eh! : )
Now let me show you how.
Here are steps you can follow to make the best use of your time.
Now take a note pad and a pen and
– Write down those things that must be done, write those big tasks and the small tasks. Just write them down as they come to your mind.
– Your proprieties in life: What are the things that are most important to you in life? If you are still trying to be balanced in life, then there are so many things you should not let to be a priority over your health, both physical and mental.
—Remove the non-important items: This part of the step will be more important to you if you don’t understand where to start from your list.
What you will want to do here is to look at your lists and look at the items that are more important than the other, and set them in the other of their priorities and you should try eliminating the ones that are not supposed to be included in the list.
– Delegate some of the tasks if possible: I am not asking you to dump some of your responsibilities, but there may be someone who can do them better and faster than you. So why not let him or her take the responsibility, so you can focus on other items.
– Select some item that can be done by you and your spouse: It can be fun when you do household projects together; as a family, do the cleanings, cutting of weeds and other tasks together.
– And finally is to stop procrastinating: The best way to get something accomplished is to start doing it immediately. Though starting a thing is the hardest step, but it pays to start immediately than to start later. Procrastination can steal your time if you let it.
When you are through with getting your time, another step to take to reconnect with your spouse is to
Remove some thoughts from you: When you take another look at the list of the ways disconnection manifests in a relationship, you will clearly understand that they are all triggered by the thought will have about our companion, about yourself and about your relationship.
It will be best if you could pause now, and consider most of those thoughts that made you criticize your spouse in the time past.
What did you think was the main trigger of your action? How could you say your spouse was angry from the way he / she looked at you?
Now consider turning around those negative thoughts, so that instead of blaming yourself for being responsible for how your partner feels, then think of the best practices to change your thinking and then your behaviors and your emotions will follow suite.
2) Get intimacy back:.
Being at intimate relationship with your spouse simple shows that you have fully let your spouse into world completely. At this point both of you can share in your hopes and dreams as well as worries.
When intimate relationship exists between couples, that shows that every partner feels protected and safe too.
You have to develop a whole heart trust with your companion.
It is the secured environment which was brought by trust and confidence that triggers touch and caress which makes every partner feel good.
Another way you can develop intimacy in your relationship is by being kind. Study shows that kindness is one of the reasons for building a strong and happy home. So learn to show kindness and respect to one another.
3) Make your marriage a priority:
Let your family be the first thing that matters to you. Let it be obvious from the way you talk; reduce the using of I and me and use more of us when you talk.
Understand that the wedding was planned together; you said the vow together even in the presence of many friends and the marriage license was handed over to you together, so why would you start living alone.
It is imperative you make efforts to increase and reinforce a new sense of togetherness as well as guarding and protecting it.
Have your marriage in mind anywhere you are, and anything you do and establish healthy and strong boundaries around your relationship.
It may not be easy when you want to work on this, but it is worth doing.
Try taking a day off and share the day together:Nothing can be compared with when couples have the whole day to themselves without distraction. They will have more time to share quality time together.
They will talk about the family and how to move it further. How much time have you spent with your spouse for the last week, last month even since this year? Just purse and think it over. You will realize that the reason you are feeling disconnected is because you have not done what you are supposed to do.
Now consider scheduling a time when you and your spouse could just cease the day just the two of you. Tweet This
4) Set up a daily marriage check attitude:
In business, you need to check your stock often to know how the business is fairing, sometimes; you need to check yourself to know how you are doing health wise.
Now it is very important you adopt the same attitude in your marriage. It will help you to know where you are failing as couples, and how to reconnect with your spouse again.
If your marriage is experiencing disconnection presently, then it is because you have not done what you are supposed to do as couples.
But have in mind that it is not the end of your marriage. When you look at my check lists you will discover how to reconnect with your spouse , it will clearly dawn on you that you have some conflicts that were poorly treated.
Look back and try to imagine what they are and start working on it.
You absolutely have nothing to gain when your marriage is in shamble; but you have a lot to gain when there is joy, love and happiness and that is when you are able to reconnect with your spouse again..
Start reconnecting with your spouse now and watch your marriage move from glory to glory. Tweet This
It is up to you now.
Have you ever asked yourself why marriages fail? I ask that question too.
Many times, I have imagined the way people feel when they fell in love with someone for the first time: I guess you know exactly what am talking about. It feels like nothing else exists but just the two of them. They want to be together all the time.
Then they marry each other, and start enjoying their marriage; one year, two years, three years… And suddenly, things starts taking a new shape; quarrels and fight becomes the order of the day. Not that we want to fight or quarrel, but we do quarrel anyway.
Sometimes we blame it to the “practicalities” and routines of life, and sometimes we blame ourselves.
In the earlier stages of our marriage, things were not like that. There were lots of things we want to talk to each other about; we always want to be in each others arm.
Now, the ability to talk deep about our feelings and aspirations have gradually die down and our conversation now starts revolving around just the domestic duties and other plans.
The three question that usually comes to my mind when I see this happen is this “what happened to that first love?” is there really a thin line between love and hate? And are all these enough to make marriages fail?
Obviously, most couples have lost the consciousness of the things that brought them together, we have taken each other for granted and worst of all, we sometimes find each other annoying and boring.
But why has marriages fail more in our generation than it was before? It worked for our great grandfather, and many of us see it working for their parents too.
One thing is that we don’t want the quarrels or fight, we want to marry and enjoy our spouse, but the world we live in now has added so many roadblocks in our ways and have made it hard for us to have a happy married life with someone we love.
In this article I took my time to list for you 10 reasons why couples are not happy any more with their marriage and why marriages fail.
10 Reasons Why marriages fail
Here they are ::)
1) Advancement in technology is one of the reasons:-
The internet, the social media and cell phone has played a very significant role in why marriages fail today.
In a research conducted on married couples, 54% of them accepted that their mobile phone have brought negative impacts in their marriage.
Some years back, we want to take certain steps just to prove to someone that you actually love him/her.
We want to go extra miles, because we will not want anything come between us and our fiance.
Technology has taken over
Then, technology have not exploded the way it is now, things where very much different than it is now; text massaging was starting out them, social media was not heard of as it is now.
Those days, if you want to see him or her, you must have to drive to wherever you will have the opportunity. You must take a certain action to express your love.
Today, things are different. Technology has taken over everything. You can be in a very distant place and send flowers to your spouse. You may not see or hear your spouse’s voice when you want to communicate with him or her.
Our cell phones buzz at breakfast, we check our emails in the evening, when we are taking a ride the radio play, and television is there when we come home to share times together.
Check how many hours you do this
Nowadays, when people get stressed up, instead of going back home to their spouse to be cheered up, they prefer to stay in front of the television to get the solace they need.
We have been faced with so many distractions.
I am not saying that advancement in technology is bad. But it has made us to be far from the one we love, which is one of the reasons marriages fail.
2) Sexual frequency declined:-
Sex is very important in every relationship. One of the way couple could express what they feel for each other is through sex; it brings two people closer to each other.
As year goes by, the sexual lives of partners starts declining or become none existent at all due to age of the couples or the duration of the relationship.
Looking at the data from (NSHSLS) National health and social life survey, and that of (NSHAP) National Social Life, health and Aging project, I realized that the decline in sex frequency could be due to change in the statue of the marriage or physical health of the couples,
Things were not so earlier.
Most couples no more look forward to seeing their spouse undress just as it used to be during the earlier stage of the marriage.
Many of them even find it hard to have sex once in a month; many other do that only when they want to have children.
Tell me how the marriage will fair. : )
When you look at the cases of cheating in marriage, most of the reasons for that is the inability of the couple to satisfy each other sexually or even have sex at all.
That is one reason I feel hurt inside when I see couples who do not take sex serious, because they are heading for a serious destruction.
If you are not doing any other thing, try to work on your sex life.Tweet This
3) Internet and social medias:-
Internet has made so many marriages fai. It has taken away our loved one’s from us. Almost all the divorce lawyers believe that internet contributed to the rapid increase in divorce in the world today especially social media and chatting.
Social media has helped couples invite thousand other people into their matrimonial bed with just a click.
There is nothing as privacy again in our lives. With just a click you will show a total stranger the innermost part of your wardrobe, your kitchen, the new under cover you are wearing or even the part of your body that naturally is meant to be seen by your spouse only.
We find more time to share everything we do with a complete stranger, everything we do, everywhere we go, and we are more connected with people outside than we do with our spouse.
Couple has no time to share their experiences again, because there is nothing new to share; all have been shared outside.
What baffles me most is that even the little time left for the couple to enjoy together, you see everyone hooked on the cyber space looking for the most current update and chatting with friends neglecting the important moment in marriage.
Everything has been exposed
The latest of it all is that you may be with your spouse in the same bed while your spouse is sex chatting with another person on the internet.
Tell me how a marriage will work in this atmosphere. : )
There is absolutely nothing wrong when you chat with people on the internet, but we just have to have a place to draw the line, we must know when it becomes too much.
Internet has evidently destroyed the relationships we enjoyed with our spouse and some marriages have also been chattered by it.
4) We love validation but not to be loved:-
Although this is not for everyone, but a lot of us are purely guilty of this; we love to be validated at all time, we desire attention from people, and we want people to like us more than to love us.
We all want to be famous. When you wear your latest cloth, you want people to see it.
Thanks to social media, which has given everyone an opportunity to be that famous? It has made our dreams to become a celebrity come true. : )
Everything is easy now
You struggle to get people’s attention before, now with just a click you get more than you needed. All you need to do is just to upload a picture, and you get thousands of likes from strangers.
Well! All those are good, but my advice is this “If you want to love someone, quit looking attention from any other place and concentrate on the one you get from your spouse.
It is not easy to love someone when you are per-occupied with worries of what other people think of you, whether it is posting pictures on social media, spending lavishly just to impress others or going on vacation because others did.
5) Quest to be financially independent crippled us:–
Finance plays a very important role in any marriage, and that is the reason the subject of finance and how to make proper plan on how to make use of it to keep the marriage going should not be neglected.
But the quest to get enough money down to be able to meet our other needs have separated us from the normal relationships we are supposed to enjoy with our spouse.
You will believe with me that things are not the same way they are now during years ago; nowadays, there are so many things you must do in other to be happier in life, and they require a large sum of money to get it done.
If you want your marriage to work, you must nurture it from time to time. Tweet This
Think about how much it takes you to run your home now; the children’s education, and other necessities. Now calculate what it costs then and compare it with today, you will see the difference.
Because all these are indispensable, we have neglected our marriage so that we could get enough money to sustain it.
Now you have to get your hands on any work to pay for utilities, send your children to school, and the worst of it all is that it is so difficult to get the kind of job that can provide such income to you.
You can imagine what harm this has caused to families. It has prevented us from living our lives as couple. We find ourselves so busy paying bills that we forget about taking our spouse out for dinner, you have to forget about your usual vacation this year because the bills are there staring at your face.
We are going farther apart than coming together.
6) Not getting over grudges:
Our inabilities to deal with the grudges we have against our spouse is another important reason why marriages fail.
To move your marriage forward, we must always have a place in our heart to forgive and let go of those things our spouse have done to us.
Stacy became sad that the husband forgot their marriage anniversary. When the husband realized that, he did everything he could do to pacify her, yet Stacy found it hard to let go.
The husband soon becomes frustrated with the wives attitude. Actually he committed some errors, and has also shown how sorry he was by getting flowers and other gifts for her.
It is actually the husband that caused the problem, and now Stacy has compounded the issues.
7 Lack of forgiveness:
If saying sorry is hard to you, then you should think of other ways of doing that, like living a note on the table saying “ I am sorry”. Keep it anywhere your spouse could see it before going to bed.
When you go about your with the grudges of what your spouse did to you, it will keep the two of you farther from each other.
Forgiveness will go a long way to make your marriage strong again; the absence will destroy it.
Quick tips on how to forgive:
(1) Map out time to talk about the matter.
2) Let your spouse know why you are upset
(3) Tell him/her right there that you have forgiven the sin.
(4) Never remember the issues again.
(5) Keep reminding yourself that you have settled the issues.
When you forgive your spouse, you have taken your first step to become close with your spouse.
8) Baggage from yesterday:
Before two of you came together as husband and wife, you lived your lives individually. Some of us had different experiences, histories and responses that left a mark in our lives. These baggage usually stay with us for the rest of our lives.
Simply put, we have these baggage as we go into marriage; I am talking about the past happiness, hurts and attitudes. Do you know that Such old baggage has made so many marriages fail?
For example; if you knew your parents to be the type that likes to fight always, you may probably think that the best way of dealing with your challenges is to fight.
If you are the last in your family, probably you were pampered by your parents, the tendency is that you may be expecting everybody to pamper you the same way.
If you are from a personal relationship that was not pleasing, you may think your new spouse will be the same.
The best way to move forward is to let the baggage go and face your new marriage with commitment and believe that it is a new beginning.
You can look for a marriage therapist or counselor to help you deal with those issues of the past.
Other ways to drop our past baggage
(1) Take full responsibilities of you problems.
(2) Forgive yourself.
(3) Ask God to help you.
(4) Move on with your life.
9) Unsolved problems:
One of the challenges we face in marriage today is the unresolved issues. It is better to deal with conflict in our marriage immediately they occur, than letting it linger.
Usually 68% of issues in the marriage are managed instead of being solved and they sometimes pop up again in a more damaging ways.
If we are not able to solve these when they are still in the finger tip, it may turn out to be complex and suddenly, your judgments will change and you start seeing your spouse as the cause of the whole thing.
We build walls but bitterness is usually sown. Unresolved issues bring divisions and separation to couples.
Also know that solution doesn’t happen like magic. It may take some time. That is the reason you should start the process now.
10) Extended families some times can cause marriage fail:
The number 10th reason marriages fail could be from our extended familiar.
Our in-laws could sometimes be our best friend and at times be a foe to us too as there are some in-laws who will want to be in the center of your marriage.
It is obvious we can get good advices and wisdom from our parents, however, there has to be a boundary.
There is every tendency that what worked for them may not work for us also. You have to make these known to your parents that your marriage, spouse and family are your topmost priority, and that you still love them as your parents.
You should be able to make the decisions that will be best for your marriage and do those things you deem best for you and your family.
Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not to be endured. Even when you are sure your marriage is not working, you can stand your ground and make a difference.
Do things that are only bringing joy and happiness to your spouse. Take steps that will bring the two of you closer, than such that will bring separation.
If you look at the above listed reasons why marriages fail, you will notice that those thing could be avoided. So try to avoid them if you can.
If there is such a marriage that could be described as a happy marriage that means you can actually make your already broken or dead marriage to be strong and alive again.
It all depends on you.
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Also feel free to ask question via the comment box.