5 Toxic behavior that creates a disconnect between you and your wife.

Love, disconnect in marriageIf your once a happy marriage starts going sour all of a sudden, don’t blame it on the witches or anybody.

 

If you you take your time to look inside, you may be convinced that the fault is all from you.

 

Some times we do things that hurts our relationships without even knowing.

 

There are 5 toxic behaviors that are capable of causing a disconnect between you and your better-half.

 

In this post I will show you what they are and how to avoid them.

 

A time came in my marriage that I asked my wife to list some of my behavior that repels her, and I was shocked to see an endless list.

You can do the same too. However, if these 5 behaviors still exists in you, then don’t be surprised when you see your spouse avoiding you.

nagging husband1) You are a nag:- If you are such that likes to murmur, criticize, shout, yell, condemn etc, then you are a nagging husband / wife and your partner will never want to get close to you at any time and that brings a disconnect both physically and emotionally.
I bet this is not what you want in your Marriage.

 

The fact is that sometimes we don’t know we are nagging, but when you find yourself desiring people to do things the same way you want it, then you are in the game.

 

The truth is you are trying to make things work out the way you want it, but to the other partner, it’s a command (nagging) and no one wants to be commanded.

 

Most times its poor communication that leads to that, and constantly nagging your spouse means you don’t trust her /him, and you don’t think about his/her feelings too.

 

Here is a checklist of 6 ways nagging destroys a relationship

– It brings quarrel:- The reason that you always want things to be done your way will always bring quarrel and that brings avoidance and a disconnect.

-Resentments:
– Poor or no communication
– Both of you becomes enemy.

How to stop nagging :-

One way to stop nagging is to always see the good side of him/her.

 

Comparison in marriage2) Comparison:-My wife is not the outgoing type, wow! how I wish my marriage is as happy as Mr Williams, my husband can never help me keep the house clean like Mrs Johnson’s husband, my wife is fond of keeping her hair lose, she should learn how to pack it sideways like that woman next door.

 

If you find yourself talking like that, then you are full of comparison and it can hurt your spouse and kill your relationship.

From science research, comparison was found to be the source for jealousy, envy, depression and can as well destroy your ability to trust.

 

If comparison can breed all these, then why do you still indulge in it?

Everyone is unique and every marriage is unique too. what works for others may not work for you: Just be contented with who or what you have and move forward.

 

busy husband3) Coming home with your business :- You leave early to work everyday and come back late also: so why do you still come home with your work?

 

It’s possible there’s need to do one or two checks on you business at home, but that should not be at the expense of the time you spend together as spouse.

 

Couples time is important, because that’s when you discuss about how to move family forward.

 

So forget about business when at home and have a nice time together if you want your marriage successful.

 

busy husband and wife4) You are married to your gadgets:- Technology has brought joy to the world, bit it has also brought division in relationships.

In almost every marriage now, you see each partner holding his/her Android phone laptop, iPad, iPod or other devices. All these though they are good, but they bring distractions to our relationships.

 

It hinders communication and that brings a disconnect also.

So if you have the habit of pressing you laptop, phone or iPad, you are only causing damage to your relationship. Learn to off it sometimes and pay attention to what your spouse want to say.

 

5) Pride and Ego:- You are too full of yourself. No one is equal to you, both your spouse.

Frankly, Ego and pride has destroyed so many marriages, because it prevents good communication and closeness.

 

However, relationship thrives well where there is compromise and understanding.

Too much pride and Ego can only destroy your relationship because it will make you less compassionate and keep people away from you.

 

So to avoid your spouse preferring to stay alone instead of coming close to you, put off your garment of ego.

 

Conclusion:- A great attitude they say is like a perfect cup of tea  so if your attitude is not good enough, then you are missing that perfect coffee.

Remember, bad attitude can hurt your relationship, but a good attitude will help to make your relationship successful.

 

See you at the Top.

From your friend Murphyaik.

Marriage Killers: How to constantly update your marriage Virus Scanner

marriage killers, seperation in marriageThe number one secret of a successful relationship and marriage is daily nurturing, understanding and doing the needful things that helps it work.

The relationships that have failed or that are on the verge of failing, are the once who neglected to constantly check their relationship daily for the viruses that usually attacks without warning.

Virus are those organisms that attached itself to a host. and if not removed on time, destroys or even kill the host.

We know very well how our computers are attached by virus, the same way our marriages are attached by virus too.

There are so much virus that can destroy any marriage in a twinkle of an eye if not properly checked.

In this post, we will learn how to scan and treat your marriage / relationship for virus especially in this season.

What are the viruses that can destroy any marriage.

scan your marriage for virus1) Hanging out with bad friends :- An affirmation says ” tell me your friends and I will tell you who you are.
Another adage says “Evil manner corrupt good mind.

If you mingle with those friend that knows how to mistreat his/her spouse, then it will not be long before you start behaving the same there’s no two ways about it.
If your friends knows how to come home late drunk, you are close to learning it and behaving the same.

How to scan your marriage for bad friends The best way to do this is to stay away from such friends.

Be with those you are learning good things from. The will not only inspire you, but you will also learn good values from him or her.

scan your marriage2) Spend less time with opposite sex:- I know it well you are just friends, I also know it that you are not lusting after him/her.

You both work at the same office, and there is absolutely no harm in taking him / her to have coffee together. Here’s what I want to let you know: too close relationship with the opposite sex can create sexual feelings for you as time goes on and can eventually create a rift in your marriage and I know you don’t want that.

It usually starts like a play, but as time goes on you find out that you both are sharing very personal things with each other and sometimes you become disappointed when you get to the office and he/ or she is not there and somehow start desiring to be alone together.

I know you will tell me you are not feeling like what I am talking about, but ask yourself if he/she is feeling the same

Now to be on the safe side, keep a good distance from them and create a good professional barest between you and any opposite sex.

scan your marriage3) Lies:– It’s very easy to tell lies, but it’s not that easy to come out from the negative effects of lies.

We see it as a small, but we graduate from that little lie to a bigger lie and when it becomes bigger, we tell another lie to cover it up.

The worse is when you hide about your intimate relationship with someone outside, but that’s a huge sin against marriage.

Only an open and sincere communication can increase trust in relationship and every relationship needs a large chunks of trust to be successful.

communication is the bedrock of every marriage and when it’s tampered with, I affects the marriage.
The best solution is to say the truth always and see how your family will work.

(4) Trust :- Every marriage depends on trust to survive. That simply means it is very impossible to have a close intimacy in your relationship if you or your partner lack trust.
Trust create good bond and security in a relationship as everyone feels relaxed and secured too.

However, when trust is lacking in a relationship, every other part of the relationship suffers.
This is true because everyone want to threat someone the same way they are treated (Tit for Tat).

That’s why we feel hurt when our partner betrays our trust, some times we want to get even.
We think, if you are not sincere with me then why should I be sincere with you.

Did you see how trust effect marriage/relationship.

Lack of trust is one virus that destroys marriage. So do not do anything that can sniff out trust out of your marriage if you don’t want your marriage to fail.

5) Resentment:- This is another tricky virus that eats of a marriage in a little time. It usually starts small like anger and boredom and gradually erodes the marriage.

Claire Hatch , LCSW, says “resentment is a sneaky emotion that takes more forms that you realize. On the surface it may cause you to feel bored, or to find flaws with your partner — picking on them for small things such as being somewhat messy or failing to return your text in a timely fashion”.

Gary Brown a well known family and marriage therapist from Los Angeles said that resentment gradually eats up a relationship to the point that your partner will feel the worse phase of resentment. At that point things have gone out of hand, and will be hard to reverse, you don’t want that to happen to your marriage, do you?

Final Notes:- it’s better to scan your marriage daily for viruses that are capable of destroying it, and eliminate them before they strike.
Remember, it is your sole duty to save your marriage for destruction.

I am still your friend Ikenna Uchegbu (murphyaik).
See you at the top.

8 Common mistakes Of the Newlywed and how to Avoid it

newlywed mistakes, save your marriageYour expectations as a newlywed couple is to enjoy a blissful marriage till the end of the time. That is good, but can it be achieved? My answer is ‘No.’

 

Here is why I said that
There will always be good times and bad times in relationships, however, all of them makes up the marriage.

Linda says ” The honey moon phase will always end”. Those interesting day when your spouse can never do wrong, they will disappear one day.

A survey was conducted, and some newlywed were ask how they saw their marriage unfold, and many predicted to have a stable marriage: However, after few years, there was a sticking decline in martial satisfaction.

The reason is because “Once spouse get settled into their roles, the excitement of being married wears off”.
says Justin Lavner.

One secret trick to stop it from happening in your relationship is to delete realistic expectations from your marriage book.

Are you surprised with what I said?

Let me explain.
Whenever you think you deserve all the happiness in this world, always know that there must be some bumps along the way.

Always be clear that things may happen and relationships will not be the same again.

When you have these in mind, you will make a plan on time to be ahead of the game.

In this post, I will show you 8 mistakes newlywed couple make in their early stage of marriage, so you’ll know how to avoid them.

Let’s get started.

Eight Common mistakes newlyweds do in their early stage of marriage.

1) Not thinking beyond the wedding :- Many couples are busy planning about the wedding that they utterly forgot that there’s another life after the wedding.

If only they understand that the party will only last for one day, and that no matter how interesting and fun it will be, it will surely end and the new life will begin from there.
Now it is time to live together, it is time to get along as husband and wife, it is time to build your own family.
That’s right.
Enjoy your wedding, make it s grand event, but always have the big picture in your mind.
Because it is your life as couple.

2) You assumed marriage is always fair, just and beautiful :- Marriage comes with ups and down just like every other thing.

If you are going into marriage thinking everything will always be juicy, then you will be very disappointed in time to come.

Even the so called happy marriage have their set backs too.

Actually, it is not a rocket science to have a happy marriage.
If only you will learn to do the little things that matters daily, then you will definitely succeed.
I have written a book that will show you little things you can do to succeed in any marriage.

3)Keeping secrets :- At the early stages of marriage you were open with each other, you could share any secret with each other and you are comfortable to divulge anything.

Then something happened and unknowingly you started keeping little secrets from each other.
Keeping secrets will always come back to bite your relationship.

Be sure to be open to each other, share your feelings, your success, your failures, your joy as well as your anger.

You will somewhat discover that the more open your communication is, the stronger your marriage will be.

4) Acting like you are still single :– Being single and being married are two different life all together.

Marriage means growing up.

As a single you had more time to hang out with friends all night, you go to clubs, you spend money unnecessarily.

Now there are more responsibilities, you will have to think of how much time to share with your significant other.

5) Sharing little time together:– Marriage is just like a flower. You attend to your marriage the same way you do a flower.
Note- If you don’t give quality time to your new flower, it will not survive.

In other words you have to manage your schedule in such a way to have quality time to spend with your partner.

6) Comparing yourselves with the other couples;- All fingers are not equal, and two people are not created the same way. It is true the other couple are living in their personal house, while you are in a rented apartment.
They travel often to Bahamas during holidays, while you are not.
Hear this; If you concentrate on counting what the other couples have and what you don’t have, then comparison starts and that is one thing that causes chaos in a relationship.

You will be so distracted from keeping up with your marriage and you will lose your track.
Just go on and enjoy what they have, but never be envious of them.

7) Goals overloaded:– Just like in other things, it is also good to set goals, however, don’t set complicated goals for your marriage, set simple goals that can be easily attained.

8) Spending more that earned:- The way you spend money while it was only you will not be the same now.
There is need to plan as couple, do not let your expenditure overwhelm your income.

If your spend more than you earn, then you are calling for more trouble in future.
I suggest you have a family budget and spend from there when it comes to anything concerning your family matters.

Finally:- Do everything you could to make your relationship better. Never hide anything from your partner.

Avoid these little mistakes I have mentioned in this post and watch how your marriage will thrive.

I am still your friend Murphyaik.
See you at the top.

Marriages Fail when couple are stocked in these 5 Toxic relationship lifestyles

divorce, marriage breakingOne common question I get from my subscribers daily is “Why does marriages fail, even when the couples involved were living and were both happy in the begging?

I asked those questions too, especially when it is obvious to me that the marriage have lasted 10- 20 years and above.
Driving from my personal experiences as a marriage instructor, I found out that no couple wants to be married and file for divorce the next moment, and no one of them is happy when they are finally separated.

But, here are some toxic relationship life-style couples usually get stocked on that has the capacity to destroy and relationship.

In this article, I’ll show you that toxic relationship lifestyle and how you’ll stay clear from them to retain happiness in your relationship.

If you are ready for this, then let’s dive in at once.
poor communication in marriage1 Poor communication: – From the latest survey, it was found out that one trick for stripping divorce /separation lies in how good and effectively you communicate with your spouse.
From the survey, it was also found out that sixty-five % of divorce came from communication while forty-eight % comes from inability to resolve conflicts.

John Gottman a professor and a marriage expert from Washington University after a research identified. These four communication problems to be main reason for divorce.

a Refusal to communicate at all ( stonewalling )

b “Criticizing of partners personality .

c Contempt

d Defensiveness

All I want to pass across to you this moment is that communication is the bed rock of every successful relationship
A friend of mine said, “if your partner stops talking, start worrying”.

Take a close look at your relationship now and see if all is well about you communication with your spouse, if not, then it’s time to get to work on it.

I have already written on how to communicate effectively, here is the link…..

financial mistakes in marriage2 Financial mistakes: – When it comes to relationships, money is always a big threat. The tendency for separation goes high when a partner thinks the other is not spending money rightly.

A lot of studies conducted lately have shown that money is the number one reason most couples fight, quarrel or divorce.
My advice for you is to understand how much you earn as well as how much you have to spend.

Forget about going on an expensive vacation because your Neighbor did or buying costly jewelry for each. Remember you may not stand the stress that will come later as the debts start coming.
3 Comparing one another: – I am a victim of this myself. I have found myself comparing my wife with other women.
Somehow it looked as if it is in our nature to compare. I said that because it is always so easy for us to compare careers, appearance, as well as our marriage.

But, that can destroy your marriage in a flash. It can suck the soul out of your relationship with your spouse, because it only make you to constantly look for those things you don’t have instead of protecting what you already have .

happy marriage
When you compare your spouse, you are only telling your partner that the other person is better than he /she and also depriving yourself the opportunity of building your personal appreciation for the beauty of your relationship.
In a nutshell, understand that comparing your spouse is not healthy. If you think something is missing, then try to make it happen.
happy marriage,unhappy relationship4 Abuse:– When couples get stocked in abuse, their marriage is negatively affected.
Whether it’s a verbal or emotional abuse, abuse still remains abuse and can destroy any relationship.
Abuse usually starts when one partner tries to control and dominate the other.
The plan of the abusive spouse is just to use fear, shame guilt and intimidation to beat and hold you down under his /her control.
If you are an abusive partner, it’s time quite because you are silently killing your marriage. Just show some respect and remember that your partner is a human being as well.
5 Expecting so much from your partner: – You are still caught in believing that your spouse is an angel and not a human being, that’s why you think he /she can read your mind.
You expect way too much from him /her. You fail into the trap of desiring your wife/your husband to be and do more thing as the year goes by.

Sometimes you expect him to play the role that can only be played by a friend, but all that can only take a big toll on your relationship.
I implore you to stop it this minute. Dr Karin Anderson an associate professor of psychology at Concord University Chicago said “it just hasn’t happened yet, unrealistic expectations can work against you and quest for love “. He also said that anyone in that category may be sabotaging his love life without knowing it.
Stephanie Coontz in her own explanation said that higher expectations can lead to greater disappointments.
My opinion is that you start from this moment and look for those qualities of your marriage which you can’t see anywhere else and only concentrate in them.
Finally:- If your relationship is of utmost importance to you, then you should try to remove all these I have mentioned in this post from your marriage.
It all depends on how fast you want your relationship to grow, but I implore you to keep keeping on even when all looks bad. Don’t relent, just keep nurturing.

I am still your friend murphyaik

7 Shocking! and Creepy signs your marriage is failing and how to save it.

marriage,happy marriage, happy couplesIt’s beautiful when you get married at a proper time, and to the one you are so much in love with. But, the real issue in marriage is doing the things that needs to be done to sustain passion in your relationship with your spouse.

Since marriage is a lifetime thing, there is a need to be on the check to know when your relationship is going out of track.

What if I could tell you a few things you should know about why marriage fails or succeeds so you should be on the alert? What if I should let you know that one chief reason why marriage fails is because couples overlook so many things that actually matters, things they shouldn’t play at all with, would it not help you?.

Granted, I am here to show you those seemingly insignificant things that may mean things are not going to be smooth between you and your spouse in time to come

From his research a PhD holder and Director ” couples on the block project of University of Minnesota pinpointed some imperceptible signs when people are on their early stage of breaking up.

His main advice is about what we must always look for when it comes to our thought and our actions that will clearly show you that things is going to be rocky between you t.

 

Here are few of them

breaking up,divorce 7 Shocking & Creepy signs your Marriage is Failing.

1 You are stocked in the blame game:- From records, there have never been a time when matters get solved by blaming the other person, rather it helps to escalate “negative emotions”.

It kills intimacy and cause a disconnect among couples.

 

In fact couples are always so intent on blaming each other that they forget that they are overtly pushing their marriage to a wall and you will not want this to happen in your relationship do you?

If that is the case, then what you should be doing instead is to always see your contribution to the problem at hand and look for way of solving instead of blaming your partner.

abuse in marriage2, You abuse and control your spouse: – Nobody wants to be controlled, dominated or manipulated and your spouse is one of them, so if you find yourself being too assertive, then you are hurting your relationship.

People usually think the only times a marriage is abusive is when there is a “physical violence or bullying ” but that’s only a misconception because there’s emotional abuse too and it comes in many forms.

When your partner feels constantly manipulated or controlled, his/her confidence is destroyed and it makes him /her keep a distance from you and you know what that means to any relationship.

In any relationship, no one should feel intimidated or school as scared by the person they cherish and loved.

 

3 Ignoring your spouses sexual needs and intimacy: – in every marriage, sex is very important and when you neglect God’s commands to build romance and intimacy with your partner, you will create a void in his or her. soul. For some couples, the daily schedules has become inflexible and have made it impossible for them to make love to each other.

4 You always run to parents /in-law when there’s trouble: – If you constantly invite your parents or your in-law whenever there’s a little issue in your marriage, then that is a clear sign your marriage is failing.

It is true that there are issues that husband and wife can’t settle by themselves, but instead of going to your in-law, go to a good marriage counselor or therapist.

Your in-laws can make the matter worse, but a therapist is trained to help couples in trying times.

5 Both of you don’t have things in common: – At the earlier stage of your marriage you shared so many things, you want to be with each other, talk, laugh together, share your thoughts and feelings, but now you two can be under one roof but rarely have time to stay together again that’s another clear sign your marriage is not working properly.

Research shows that one way couples can last very long in their relationship is by sharing quality time together .

I have written extensively on how you can share quality time with your spouse .

6 You feel so lonely in your relationship: – If you are in a marriage and you  still feel lonely , it’s another indication that your marriage is not healthy. Denis and Babara Rainey. said ” if there’s one thing worse than a miserable, lonely single person, it’s lonely married person “.

Loneliness in marriage usually begins slowly from disconnection we feel from our partner and eventually increase over time.

A psychology professor in his writing said that isolation is a potent killer and it has also been shown to be the chief cause of paranoia, depression , rape and mass murder. It will slowly invade your marriage and gradually affect every other part.

ex, secret lovers7 Staying in touch with your Ex:- Many marriages are chartered today because there’s still connection between the EX’S. Well if you are still connected with your ex in flirtatious ways, then you may be tempted to get back together or have extramarital affair. That speaks volume to your marriage health.

The best thing to do is to stare clear from your ex and face your marriage.

Rounding up:– This list of 7 ways to know that your marriage is failing is not to show you your mistakes, but to make be ahead of those things that can hurt your relationship.

Don’t see this as one of those articles you have read before, go ahead and implement all I have written down for you and see what will happen to your marriage.

Remember to share this article using the Share bottom below.

I am still your friend murphyaik. See you at the top.