One of ways you can destroy your relationship or marriage is through infidelity. I can really imagine how you feel when you realized that someone you loved so much has betrayed your love, joy and trust. It pains so hard, especially when you realized that someone you can vouch for, never to indulge in such and act has finally betrayed your confidence.
Some years back the same person feels bad whenever a story is told about infidelity, you have probably heard him/her promising never to do such a thing in life and you believed it; now the next victim is him. I know how you feel at this time; you want to through in the towel, you can’t stand the shame and the humiliation, all you need now is a divorce. But do you know that divorce is not the best option? There are so many ways of dealing with infidelity in your marriage and I have taken some time to list some of them here for you.
Recently, the attitude of people concerning infidelity has made the subject looks like a toy every spouse or rather every grown up will someday play with. They see it as a normal thing. When someone hears that either a wife or the husband indulged in infidelity, it doesn’t create the usual shock to him any longer, the listener just shake his head and move on with other things.
However, that does not mean that its negative impact is not felt in the marriage, especially the devastating effect it brings between children, the husband and the wife.
Cheating doesn’t have a specific time it comes in the marriage; it could come at the earliest time of your marriage, the middle of the marriage. At some time you may feel like leaving the marriage.
However, if you could try dealing with the infidelity in your marriage with these steps I listed, you may see your marriage bouncing back and becoming one of the strongest marriages in the world.
Before I go forward, I want us to look at so many reasons why infidelity may happen in the first place; because you must first understand the foundation of a problem, before you could know where to start tackling it.
One the reason for a rapid growth in infidelity among couples is lack of patience. People are too desperate to have the answer immediately. There is no more waiting for things to happen naturally. People want an instant gratification, and the advent of the technology has helped to quicken up things. Couples now know and want to get fast result in their marriage.
Technologies have succeeded in creating great impulse in our marriages and have taken away the quality of being patience; which God has deposited in man.
Infidelity is the main outcome of the impatience between couples. Now when there is an unanswered question in a marriage, a partner could go out to look for the answer. When there is emotional or financial need also, a partner may also go outside to get it therefore tearing the marriage apart.
One important thing to note is that, it could happen to anyone dear to us; your sister, your brother, your best friend, your brother in-law or your sister in-law.
In a book “when women cheat” The author said something that interests me. He say’s “we actually wallow in infidelity- and if we are not currently unfaithful, then we are dreaming about it” Is that really true? Can we really prove to be faithful to our spouse? Is everyone dreaming to cheat on the spouse someday?
Maybe you should not answer that question, until you are done reading this.
As at the time of writing this article, I realized that cheating or infidelity is not just when your spouse sleeps with another love. Though that looks to be the real cheating; but there are so many ways to cheat on your spouse and probably you have never called a spade a spade.
Different form of infidelity is Marriage.
We are going to look at the different forms of infidelity as portrayed by a “psychology today blogger” Michael J. formica. On his post on (Enlightened Living blog), He Said that infidelity is of 3 different forms.
In this type of cheating, the cheating partner overlooks the relation and focus more on something else like work, laptop, and video game. The priority of the cheater in this case is something else and not the marriage. In today’s world, you find out that some couples when they come back home, they prefers to stay with the phone, laptop or even prefer to go out and play basketball with friends to the detriment of the marriage. At this point the feelings and emotions of the other couple is seriously starved.
Many people did not see this as infidelity and it slowly destroys our home if not properly taken care of.
My wife feels so bad when I stay glued to my laptop. She has even gone to the extent of calling my laptop my second wife; so tell me if I am not cheating on her while there is a divided attention.
Sexual affair is when a partner leaves the marriage to have a sexual intercourse with another lover. This is one of the most common cheating, and it is usually coursed by our quest to meet some physical needs, desire or want. The effect of this type of cheating varies between men and women. When a woman cheats a man, the man feels like he is physically rejected. And a woman feel that she is not loved when a man cheats.
This sounds simple, but this is the silent marriage destroyer. This is when there is an emotional attachment to someone that is not your spouse. The whole emotional “resources” of the spouse like attention, time, love is seriously diverted to the lover outside.. Emotional infidelity usually does not require a “personal contact” to take place, but everything is done through online chatting (sex chatting), text messaging and even through voice call.
Why I called this the silent marriage killer is that, it usually starts like a play and if care is not taken it graduates to a full blown sex.
However, what everyone must know is that infidelity, no matter which form is it, it rises because of some unfavorable situation created by both couples. This is the reason couples must work out a possible way of dealing with the infidelity that will work best for them and the starting step is to find out the reason why a partner cheats in the first place.
Ways of dealing with infidelity in your marriage
Are you sure your spouse did that:-
Many times, it is just a mere suspicion that makes a spouse to think that the other is cheating. When you are not sure of your spouse’s infidelity, never make any move of accusing your spouse without the proof;That could be the worst thing you could do. So I suggest to you to be sure your spouse in indulging in an extra marital affair before thinking of the ways to confront the cheating spouse.
Make a decision:-
There is nothing in this life that could be compared to making a decision on how to confront your cheating spouse. It is sordid experiences because there are so many important factors that are beyond your control as you want to do that.
There is a need for you to get yourself prepared mentally, get real circumstantial evidences that will buttress your suspicions, get yourself with what to say and also get yourself braced up for the reactions you are sure to get.
You must try and look into yourself and decide which way you want to go. If you want to forgive your spouse, you have to decide it immediately or maybe you want to leave the marriage. Be truthful to yourself about what you want to get from the confrontation.
Confront your spouse:-
Confronting you spouse after cheating without good evidence is like getting yourself ready to fail. But when you have investigated, and you are sure that your spouse cheated on you, then it is left with you to approach your spouse with the evidence. It may not be an easy task, but you must do that.
However instead of rushing into the house to yell and scream, l advice you to approach it in a more matured way, a way that shows you are actually in total control of the matter. Your main aim here is to get what you want from the conversation. Choose the best time to go to your spouse. It may not be good for you to go when you feel shocked about your discovery or when you feel raw.
The bottom line is to do all your home works well and be very prepared too. Never get surprised when you see your partner’s reactions, remain focused.
Know the Reasons for the Infidelity:–
All though there is no better reason one spouse should cheat on the other. However, you must know why this happened in the first place if you are really seeking a way to deal with infidelity in your marriage. What if you are the reason why that happened?.
From the stories of infidelity I was opportune to listen to, I found out that most of the reason is lack of care from the spouse.
A woman will tell you that all the husband knows to do is work. He goes out in the morning and come back late. Even when he comes back, he will not have time to care about his spouses’ feelings and need.
This alone could make your spouse look for care and attention outside. Anyone who could fill that gap you created will definitely win her emotions. Just like I rightly said; there is never a justifiable reason to indulge in infidelity, but it will be good if you should know that your spouse has found those things she / he is not getting from the marriage.
Well! If you are the reason why your spouse committed that act, one of the ways you could avoid it from occurring another time is to repair the broken rope. Look for the loopholes and patch it. Make your spouse feel the love and care that is due. Never give him or her reason to seek for solutions outside.
Answer Some Important Questions By yourself:-
After confronting your cheating spouse, many types of questions will flood your mind. Your ability to answer those question like; How did I not believed my intuitions in the first place, Why and how should this happened to me, will prove to you that the healing process have started.
Those questions and answers definitely are the things that will make you retrospect all that happened to you and your relationship. Use the opportunity to think and understand when and where the trust between you and your spouse was breached and the get into the action of repairing your home.
What is Your Next Line Of Action?:-
This is the most important aspect of dealing with the infidelity in your marriage. At this point you must think about the steps to take next. The first thing to do is to make sure why your spouse cheated, is the act done willfully or mistakenly and maybe there is no sign of remorse, there may be no other option.
But what if your spouse is sorry for the act and seek to be forgiven, there may be a reason to reconsider giving your relationship or marriage another chance. This may have to be a kind of starting from the scratch to rebuild communication, trust, care and faith. Remember it is up to you to consider having in mind that it is not that easy to get over the feelings of imagining your spouse with the other lover.
You must know that the act has been done. No one can bring back the hand of the clock and no one can change the past. You have to pick up your pieces and move forward with your life. Try to remember the good moments of your marriage / relations, though the stings of the ugly situation are still glaring at your face.
What matters most now is your future. Think of how to make your marriage stronger than it has always been. It is not what you could have done alone. Above all, let God start where you stop. You cannot do it alone.