This article was written as my advice for newlyweds. To help them build a happy marriage. However, it will still be a good help to all those that are still on their way to join the train of marriage.
I decided call this article ” my Advice to newlyweds”, because it was all from my personal experiences as a married man and I am sure you will learn something from here too.
I said this because I am sure you have so many wishes for your marriage as well as fears. You have dreams because you are married to the one you love so much and desire to be together for the rest of your life; and fears because you have heard so many advices from people about how sweet and bitter a marriage can be.
In this my advice for the newlyweds, I want to take some time to demystify marriage for you so it will give you confidence to hold your head up high and your chest up as you take your journey into this institution.
If you are ready for this ride, then get yourself a good cup of coffee or anything that gives you solace and let’s get to business now.
Definitive Advice To Newlyweds
Now the wedding is over, so what next?
It is so wonderful your wedding have come and gone successfully; welcome to another life’s journey. Life after courtship and wedding is a different life all together when compared with married life.
While you were still single, there were things you loved to do, there are places you love to go and there are type of friends you love to move with. Those things were very easy for you to do because it was you and only you, now the system have changed, it is no more “I” it is “we”.
As newlywed couple, just understand that wedding simply ushered you into the start of a new type of life. Now you have taken those huge steps of planning and executing your wedding, there will be a different type of life for you henceforth.
Adjust To The New Life
Now you have to start adjusting to this new life as a married person; there is no doubt things may be so overwhelming from this point on, but with a personal determination, you can make your marriage strong and successful too, and I am sure you will achieve it since you are reading this my special advice to newlyweds, of which you are one of them.
As I said initially, it is now life of two people and not just you. And these two people are two unique people, with different personalities, different background, different parents and maybe different ethnic groups, so there is bound to be agreements and disagreements too. This is the reason you need to plan how you want your marriage to be from this moment.
Marriage is not bound by any chain, it takes the tiny threads of activities that take place as the couple move to maturity to make it work. That simply shows that happy marriage don’t just come to be; there must be crises and disagreement, and at times unexpected conflicts will show up after wedding or after some years of marriage.
However, the type of marriage you will have depends on the type of person you are and how committed you pledged to be.
If this adjustment is done properly with more satisfaction rather than distress, then you will expect the joy of a happy marriage, but if your adjustments are with dissatisfaction and bitterness about your life, then work on changing lots of things before the happiness will come.
Although this sound like a rocket science, but it is easier than you think. Remember, this is my advice to newlyweds who wants to start their marriage journey on a very solid ground.
But it is not a rule, they are just suggestions based on my personal experiences, and there is bound to be some exceptions to how it will work in your marriage, since marriages are not created equal. But since it has worked for others, I also believe it will work for you.
Here are quick tips to follow
Advice For The Newlyweds: Step One
Write it down on paper
- Write down five reasons why you chose to marry: This has always been my first advice to the newlyweds that i have ever worked with. This is because I believe the best advice is the one you give to yourself; I also believed things work better when you know the reasons for your actions. So write them down and paste it in a place you will always see it. That will be a reminder and your personal mission statement
Your list will look something like this:
- I want to marry because I’ve found the love of my life: It will amaze you to know that people have different reasons why they get married,some because they are forced to do that and some others because they think other people are getting married and they are not.
Because of these different attitudes of marriage, many things will not be done right. But when you marry because you found the love of your life, then you are sure of how to move on.
- I married because I want someone to spend my whole life with: It is good you know from the beginning that marriage is not for a specific time, it is a life time investment, so there is no room to make a change.
Remember when you were still saying your marriage vow, it was for better and for worse; this is simply to make you understand that while there are better thing that comes with marriage, there is also the worst part of it, but you are expected to stand your ground. This will make you plan well on how to move forward even during the worst moment.
Your list could be endless; you know your reasons so write them down.
- Write down five ways you want to live your married life: Like I said earlier, you hold the key to the success of failure of your marriage. Since you want to have a successful marriage, it is good you plan from this very moment how you want to live your married life.
Decide from this moment the type of friend you want to keep, having in mind that friends can heal or destroy any marriage, decide on the type of sacrifices you will make just to see that everything is going on well.
Within few years of your adjustments to a married life, there could sometime be a moments of confusion about how things are going between you and your spouse. It may look as if all your dreams are not coming to pass and thing are completely opposite of what you have planned.
Sometimes you may be forces to ask yourself if you have made the wrong choice. Those are the moments you will bring out you list and reassure yourself that you will have to make some sacrifices so that your marriage will stand. So get to work now and write down those ways you should go.
- Write down five reasons you don’t want divorce:Divorce is the worst thing that can happen to any marriage and I know you don’t want it too. You can’t stand to lose the love of your life; so is everybody, even those that are divorced today did not have that as one of their plans during their wedding, and yet it happened.
That means it can come to anybody. But if divorce is an option, why are there people that stay married for the rest of their lives? That mean there are things they did that the divorced did not do. To bulletproof your own marriage from divorce you have to write down those reason you will not divorce your spouse. The list will be a good help to you in the future.
Now you have known the end from the beginning; you are now sure where your marriage is going, you have made your marriage foundation firm and now it is time to advance.
My Advice to newlyweds :Step Two
Lay a good foundation for your marriage
You have finally finished writing down all you need to know about your marriage, it is now time to lay a good foundation for your marriage.
Anything that must stand well must be built on a solid foundation, the same is marriage. A good foundation is very much needed to make a marriage sweet. Today, marriages are breaking up not because it is harder than it was in the time past but because the foundations are not strong.
There will always be time in your marriage when the weight of marriage may hit you from all sides, it is only the foundation that will decide what happens next, and the stronger the foundation, the stronger the relationship.
One of the steps you should take to make your foundation stronger is
–Know yours spouse well enough?
According to guttman, there seven principles that will determine if a marriage will last long or not. But topmost in his list is the ability for couples to know each other intimately and become very verse in the things that concerns each other; things like the personality, hopes, likes and dislikes, and the dreams. They have an unchangeable regard for each other and are also ready to share fondness anytime and everywhere too.
So let me ask you this question now; how well do you know your spouse? Though it may not be that easy to know everything about your spouse in a flash, but if you make some efforts, with time you will understand him/her better
However, you must understand how important it is to know your spouse better. This is why it is necessary to have a time of extended courtship before getting married. I didn’t mean if you didn’t have courtship then you should not marry.
Although courtship it is not always a criteria to a happy marriage; there are some couples who married few days after they met and are still enjoying their marriage and there are also those that dated for years and have ended up in divorce as I am writing this; so if you didn’t have time to know your spouse in the past, there is still room for you to do that now you are married.
One way to know your spouse better is to find time to spend quality time together. When you spend time with your spouse, you will gradually understand the type of person he/she is, what make him happy or sad.
Secondly, you should always get in touch with your spouse even when you are not with each other; thanks to technology; now with your phone, you can travel as far as you want. You can call or send text massages just to inquire where or how both of you are feeling.
Understanding your partners personality is far important than anything else in marriage, because it will save couples the fee for filling in court for divorce.
Creating boundaries in your marriage:
I have talked so much about creating boundaries in marriage and I want to talk about it again here, because I know it is another stronger step couples must take to set a firm foundation for their marriage. You can’t have a worthwhile marriage without setting boundaries.
The boundaries you are building in your marriage is all about you. When you have boundaries, you will know where your power ends and where your spouse’s starts.
In a marriage where there is constant fights and quarrel, one of the reasons for that is the absence of boundaries.
A clear example of a boundary is the fence you put in your house; you didn’t do that just because you want to know the boundary between you and your neighbor, but because you want to clearly know and have good control of how thing happen in your compound.
That is exactly the same with that of a marriage. It is true you can’t control the way your spouse talks to you, however, you can take charge of your reactions when they speak.
You can also choose the thing you can tolerate and what not to. Did you see why I said earlier on that boundaries are all about you? So if you have not given thoughts to that before, then you can start now.
But remember that setting boundaries does not mean controlling the other; it is a way to set balance and better atmosphere of freedom and love for you and your partner, so you must not misuse it.
Advice for the newlyweds : Step Three
Get your finances right
The issue of money is a very crucial thing in any relationship. It can destroy or build any marriage no matter how strong it is. Simply put;It is one of the main causes of divorce. It has been said that you can’t buy happiness with money, but it is good to talk about money when it comes to marriage as it can be used to express our feelings.
So many marriages failed because they believed intimacy can do it all for their marriage, of cause love is very important, however, the gospel truth is that it takes more than love to manage money in any relationship.
For couples to succeed more in their marriage, they have to be more committed and open about their view on how to make, save and spend their money. My number one advice for you as a newlywed couples is to get on the same money train; although it may not sound too romantic to talk about money as a new couple, but if you truly understand what financial stress can cause in your marriage, then you will never hesitate to talk about it
Here are few steps you can get your finances right as a couple
Make budgets:This is a very important step to any couple that wants to put their finances in a good shape. Write down how you will spend your money in the coming days, weeks, months and years. Until you do this, you may not know the capacity you have to save money.
If you and your partner are working, it may be good to share some expenses and also to make plans to have a family budget.
Budgeting may sound like a rocket science to you, but it will help you so much and you don’t need to worry so much on how to start, there are some Apps on the internet to help you.
Create emergency money:What I mean about emergency money is money set apart for unplanned expenses. This should be for every couple; it helps to save some stress that will come when there is a loss of job, illness and other natural disasters. It will serve as a financial security to you and your spouse.
Have money meeting weekly: This is a place where you will talk about your weekly budgets; how you have spent above your budget or below. You will also plan for the coming week and also about the upcoming expenses. Just talk everything about money during this meeting.
Advice for The Newlyweds: step Four
Communication is very important
Another important advice every couple must take serious is communication if they want to have a successful marriage. That also means without it, no marriage will stand. Communication is not just about talking, it encompass sharing live and feelings together.
Make it a habit to always sit and discuss about anything that concerns you as an individual as well as the things that concerns your marriage. As you go on talking, it will give you room to know each other and also develop trust for each other.
I suggest you talk about your daily activities in the morning before you go out for work, and also share how wonderful or bad the day have been when you come home.
Sometimes, there may be some disagreements when you are talking, but don’t let is linger, just find a way to settle it there and then, that is one characteristics of the happy couple and remember you are planning to have the best marriage in the world.
You should also try and improve on your communication skill; determine the type of communication that helps your marriage and stick to it, but let go of the ones that has the potentials to destroy your marriage.
I have an article on how to improve your communication skill and it will be of great help to you. You can read it here.
Advice For The Newlyweds step Five
Never undermine sex.
Although it is early to talk about undermining sex at this moment, but my sincere advice to newlyweds is to understand that sex is very important in marriage.
However, there are so many newlyweds that are still facing the issues of lack of sex. Many spouses complain of their partners not sexually attractive or they are not sexually attracted to their spouse.While some are complaining of their spouse wanting sex all the time, some are complaining of not having sex at all.
In fact there are different sex story from different couples that will interest you. That is why I must talk to you today about sex and how you must strive to have a good sex ride in your relationship. Sex is one of those things couples uniquely share together, and cannot be shared with anyone. Sex also brings passion to relationships and differentiates couples from roommate.
Sexual relationship is of vital importance to any happy marriage and couples must be relaxed enough to talk about what excites and what does not about sex.
I have seen some partners complaining that the partner should be doing one thing or the other during the foul play and the other saying how he or she wish the other should not be doing something during the sex; There would have been a balance if they had time to talk about sex, don’t you think so?
As a newlywed, you should strive to satisfy each other always. Feel free to tell your spouse where to focus during the foul play to make you satisfied. As for how often you should have sex, that depends on how much you and your spouse is comfortable with.
Advice for the newlyweds : Step Six
When children start coming and how to keep loving each other:
It is amazing how things change in some marriage when children starts coming. The children that are supposed to be a blessing to couples sometimes becomes a challenge to the love they shared when they were without children.Children surely bring happiness as well as problems to a marriage. No wonder they said that children are the crown of a marriage and also the cross of a marriage.
Research said that marriage/ relationships happiness can never be the same when children starts coming. They said that every additional child is likely to make couples one to three percent not happy with the marriage.
Yes of course parenting may be a hard work, but couples should not decline into unhappy relationship because of the children. There must be a way to balance the equation.
My article today will guide you on how to raise your children and still have a successful marriage.
Here are some points to guide you:
- Love the children, but have more regard to the one that brought them Into the world: It is true the coming of children brings joy to a marriage; but why you are happy that at last you have your own crown of a marriage, you must also remember that before the children came, that someone was there to make it happen.
Your children did not come on their own, your wife may have carried then 9 months in her tummy and with all the stress and frustrations of marriage, and your husband was the very one that gave you the seed to carry in the first place.
So before you give all your attention to the baby, show more love to the one that brought then into the world.
I was with someone one day, when he said “I love my children more than my wife” and I imagined how that marriage will look like.
- Make each other the first: It is important you make your children understand that they have their place after your spouse. Make then understand that your wife /husband were there before they came.
It is not as if the kid matters little, but your wife should be the first.One of the famous marriage experts Charles J Orlando suggests that you make it a point of duty to hug and kiss your spouse the very minute you step into the door, this will not only make your partner feel special, but the children will know that she also means a lot to you as well as they are.
- Never discuss your partners’ weakness with your children: I have seen a marriage where each partner is struggling to have the children on their side and they tell them everything in other to achieve that.
Another thing is that they should never talk about their spouses weakness to their spouse in front of the children, that will affect their relationship with your spouse as well as the relationship with the children.
Just like I said in the beginning, let everything be all about your spouse. That will help your marriage in the long run.
- Be your partners’ biggest fan: becoming a big fan of your spouse will help you in your marriage. Did you remember what exactly a fan means? It mean whatever that person does is good to you.
Your fan will never undermine any of your decisions, but is ready to stand at your back in everything. There are times when your children will want to prove to you that this is what the daddy or mummy said, never give them chance, rebuke them at once. This will let them know that actually daddy and mummy are at the same side.
- Flirt even while your children are there:Like I said initially, let your children see you kiss and hold your spouse during your lunch, breakfast and dinner. I didn’t mean to do those things that are not supposed in front of your children.
That will not only help your marriage to be stronger, but will help your children to understand that marriage is far more than paying bills and other responsibilities. It will also help them value their own marriage when the time comes.
If you read this my advice for the newlyweds carefully, you’ll realize that marriage is not as hard as people think. You only have to be committed and ready to go extra miles to make thing work.
. Remember there is need for a good foundation, you should not always tell people about what it happening in your marriage, you can find a way to settle your problems with your spouse.
Also know that challenging times must be there your way one way or the other. But you should take those moments as a step for growth and maturity for your relationship.